NEW YORK, NY – MAY 02: Hillary Clinton speaks onstage at the Planned Parenthood 100th Anniversary Gala at Pier 36 on May 2, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Andrew Toth/Getty Images)
8:26 AM 03/09/2018
Ladies and gentleman, people of young and old. I hope you’ve marked your calendars, because today is National Get Over It Day. That’s right. March 9 is the day we gather together to get past those finicky things weighing us down and do exactly as it sounds. We get over it.
So today, we honor the people who may be struggling in the getting-over-it department. Because while most humans are equipped with the ability to get beyond things since around age 6 or so, some missed that vital lesson. And Hillary Clinton is one of those people.
As I’m sure you’re all well aware, our girl Hillary suffered a crushing defeat in the 2016 Presidential Election. She also “rigged” the primaries with a little help from her buddy Donna Brazile over at CNN. Now we’ve spent the better part of a year and a half trying to accommodate her feelings and come up with the most asinine reasons to explain her loss. It was Russia, it was sexism, it was Comey, it was WikiLeaks, it was conservative media, it was Democrats, it was the DNC, it was suburban women, it was Macedonian content farmers, and about 40 other outlandish excuses that continue to multiply.
And while a lot of America is angry and tired of Hillary’s schtick, I feel sorry for the woman. She’s as batty as they come and likely not firing on all cylinders. So, as a dutiful journalist and a generally caring person, I’ve taken time out of my day to offer Hillary some suggestions on how to honor this day and get over it:
- Booze. And a lot of it. I prefer a smooth, chilled vodka with a slice of cucumber and a sprig of mint. Drink it in direct relation to how deep your sorrows are. I realize this will probably be a lot of vodka. Maybe hit up one of your close oligarch buddies and try to trade him some more yellowcake Uranium for a few bottles of Grey Goose.
- Ditch The Pant Suits. You know how people always say you should throw away clothes/other accessories that remind you of a failed relationship? This is very similar. Unless it’s an orange jumpsuit, that look has got to go.
- Impulse Wedding. I realize there aren’t many men who’d want to spend the rest of their lives with Hillary. But there’s gotta be someone out there. Maybe Pajama Boy would eat the bullet. This ties into that old ‘failed relationship’ notion where, if you’re heartbroken, the best way to get over it is to get under…well you know the phrase.
- More Hikes. Listen, Hil. You gotta stay off social media. Cut your internet. Go off the grid. Take a weekend trip to a vineyard and ride horses. Enjoy a little TLC and kick that nasty cough.
And finally, if none of these options work, here’s my final suggestion — realize it’s only for emergency purposes and you definitely should not do this unless you absolutely feel like you have to: Run Again. There’s always 2020. And you’re really connected. Rig a few primary debates, cry sexism, don’t visit places like Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan. They’ll definitely vote for you anyway. And America wants nothing more than another Hillary Clinton campaign. Trust me.
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